[NEVERDIE]

The First Day of the Rest of our lives


02/27/05


I can’t think of a better place to start a story than at the end, because the end is always the beginning of something new.

Today is the end of my old life, one week ago, my Soul mate Tina-Leiu died, she was the mother of our five year old Son, Taliesin, we had been together for just over six years, together almost everyday. Sleeping together, eating together and working together.
Seven days ago I came home from work to find a call informing me that she had been admitted to Emergency while visiting my mother in the Bahamas, I was immediately filled with dread, because I knew how fragile her life was, she had been recovering for a year from a flu induced bout of myacarditis, and of late, she had seemed to be losing ground, despite the good bill of health her heart specialist had given her.

My family and I arranged for an airlift back to a Miami hospital, but Tina died before
She could be moved. Before that final call came I worried deeply for her, I knew
There was a possibility of brain damage if she survived and so there was perhaps
A sense of relief when my mother broke the news to me over the phone. A dark pit opened in my heart as all my guilt flooded into my blood and I begged for her forgiveness for all my sins……

I flew to the Bahamas the next morning to be with my son, a quick search on the internet
Yielded the advice to be straight forward… Almost as soon as I saw him, he asked where mommy was. I told him immediately, it flooded out, I needed to share this with him, my sister appeared and Taliesin ran into one of the bedrooms and hid in the closet. I coaxed him out and we hugged, he quickly stopped crying and wanted to play… for the next 12 hours he insisted that he if he wished and prayed she would come back to life in 5 days.
I’m the kind of guy that believes anything is possible, even resurrection, but I couldn’t quite find the faith in myself to believe that was going to happen… Instead I decided an open casket would be critical for us all for closure… Tina’s Parents flew in and we had a very pretty and sweet service, Taliesin touched his mother’s cold skin and I kissed her lips. We both knew there would be no resurrection in this body. A Wedding cameraman filmed the service and afterwards there was a small wake…. By that time
I was feeling at peace with myself, my son was strong and not preoccupied by what had happened, my Demons had been banished, perhaps by the loving presence of Tina, that I could feel. I felt like she was hovering near me, rubbing against me, horny as hell, She
Obviously didn’t blame me…In Miami the next day I said to Taliesin, “it’s you and me now we have to be smart and careful. Can you imagine how I would feel if you died?”
“Sad” he said “yes and what would you do if I died?” I asked “…I could do anything I want” he said “go anywhere in the city…. But I wouldn’t have the car keys.”

I knew then, this was not to be the beginning of a bond borne of fear and sadness but the start of a relationship born of love, respect and freedom, much like the relationship I had with Tina. It made me laugh a lot… Despite the fact that I have not been very active as a father, I knew that being a dad was exactly what I was gonna be now a single dad, despite that Tina’s family were more than eager to look after him, like they have been doing for half his life. I knew that my soul would be dependent on our going through this together and me changing my life to accommodate him…. We flew to Oregon on Friday
For a second funeral service on Saturday for all Tina’s Samoan relatives, Saturday night we hopped right back on the red eye and now here we are Sunday the 27th, one week from the day Tina Died, the end of my physical relationship with her and the beginning of our spiritual relationship and the also the first day of the Rest of my life with my son.

The first real challenge of the day came at around 1.30 pm, I was exhausted from the week and the traveling, but Taliesin wanted to go to chucky cheeses, I bitched and moaned and plead for him to understand that I was drained, but he insisted that I had promised.

Given that it was the first promise I had made in this new life, I had to follow through…
And to my surprise Chucky Cheeses, really is a pretty cool place for a single dad…
Lots of pretty moms floating around, lots of games for the kids to play without you and
With a notebook and a cell phone, one could even be productive…

I’m optimistic that everything is gonna work out just fine….. And that is how the end is the beginning and the beginning is the end and now the question on all of our minds is …So what happens next? That’s it, I have no idea, but I think it’s gonna be interesting, so lets find out.


3/1/05

Taliesin started school today Pre-K. I asked him what did you love most about mommy?
He said “Remember when she use to curl her hair? …I liked that coz when I wanted to ask her a question I could ring her curls like a doorbell.” Pretty wild for him to say that….

Tina’s Passing could be viewed as the ultimate tragedy, Beautiful and wonderful young woman, with a blossoming career, five year old son and a loving relationship dies suddenly. If it were not for the fact that I view life as a very sophisticated game and that we are the players, I think I would be completely devastated, but instead, I feel that destiny is at work.

My heart aches though…. I’m also Horny… that’s the truth… I’m gonna need a girlfriend pretty soon.



3/3/05

I just had someone look at the house, but I’m not sure I want to rent it out… Income is barely a trickle though. So I gotta be smart and flexible.

I combed through my email address book and stumbled on a cute girl I had met in Germany a couple of years ago, I emailed her a quick hello, turns out she is in Toronto just finishing a nanny job, sounds just like what the doctor ordered.

I have an audition tomorrow, for Miami Vice the Movie. I haven’t auditioned for anything in a couple of years. Maybe Tina’s guardian Spirit can pull some strings for me.
I’m gonna go shave my head for the audition now.

3/8/05

I dyed my hair platinum for the audition, psyched myself up and still sucked…
Looks like I’m stuck with trying produce my own hit… so what’s new?

I made it through Taliesin’s first week of school and so did he. On Sunday night we had a little wake at the house for some of Tina’s Miami Girlfriends… on the other side of the states, in Venice Beach, a bunch of our friends got to together for a prayer and a smoke on the beach… I just got the pictures from that, shed a tear.

Taliesin and I miss her very much, but we’re doing good, we ain’t morose or miserable…
I’m tryin’ to figure out which way to go next in my life. The Movie DJ Hound Dog (US title) premieres in LA at the method fest 2nd of April… I think it will be a nice screening, but it’s not a hot enough platform to launch it…. I’ll be lucky if I get a lead out of the screening to figure out the next step…. The Euro premiere is in Amsterdam in May. That will be the Launch for Europe, but at the moment I don’t feel particularly connected to it all…. Man I wish I could just act in studio movies right now, get rid of all this pressure to make stuff and distribute it… Just develop my craft and build my name.

So back to the single dad business, Taliesin hangs out quite a bit with his friend Alec, so I took my turn at the weekend to watch them both… I tried watching them at the pool at Alecs’ building, but I ended becoming the pirate ship for about 8 kid’s including one little girl who would lock her arms around my neck so tight, I had to use brute force to break free…. I had a good time though and felt good that I was taking my turn.

I’m kinda having second thoughts about inviting the Girl Julia to stay, it look like I will have to buy her ticket back to Europe now, because she will over stay her original ticket.
The only reason I’m keeping going on this is….. I don’t have any girls around to charm me or tease me, I need the levity and she is cute and young.
If nothing else she’ll drive me mad for a week. And I’ll be glad to be rid of her.


I am fighting a bit of Depression at the moment, I feel like America just isn’t receptive enough to my movie to make the movie a hit and I really don’t know how to launch it.
Also of course it’s sinking in how lucky I was to have Tina in my life. I logged into
Project-Entropia the virtual universe, where Tina and I have many friends, and a guy started messaging me with this funny rhyme, about not giving up… how it may just be one step away…. It really caught me at the right moment… so I shall keep marching on boldly. One foot in front of the next and just see what’s around the corner.