Lykkes diary

[Lykke]

What a nice Christmas Eve Though I was terrible stressed with all the cleaning in front, making the table and the FOOD! But it was damn good food

Kids loved it - Amanda was so cute when having her gifts. Santa even came (my brother) and she was all thrilled. He gave her a Cindarella pup up book ... "santa" (well.. I) bought it in a big center in Copenhagen called Magazin. It's really gorgeous. It's a "fold up" book nicely made with pictures which pops up and show the coarch, Cindarella in a huge dress, the castle etc. - all made in old style. Amanda gave santa a kiss on his nose. And said bye and played with her new toys again.

We gave Sarah a very nice pair of white winter boots. Mostly to use when she is going skiing with her school in January. She got a lot of money and gift cards for clothes though ... which was the best and she looks forward to go out shopping .. and that's quite natural, when you are 14, I guess!

Peter gave me a digital camera I had no clue he was giving me that and got nicely surpriced. He remembered how annoyed I was when we went to Egypt, that Sarah ruined yet another of my cameras and I had to use my phone all the time. It's a great gift and very thoughtfull. I look forward to perpetuate our moments together.

I gave Peter an electrical Guitar. yes. Sounds like a horrible gift to someone who can't even play. But I admire his dreams and if he want's to learn the guitar? So be it He did realize that playing the guitar is NOT easy, not even if you have long fingers *G*. I have played the piano since I was 4, and have an good ear for music, so I helped him tune the guitar ... not that it helped HAHAHAH

Yesterday we went to my parents for a christmas lunch with traditional Danish fish table (salmon, herring and smoked eel) AND of course danish beer and snaps (akvavit). We got a little bit drunk I believe and when we got home I felt SO bad and my tummy hurted SO much. I was afraid that it was something from the seafood ... but I guess it was just too much snaps HAHAH .. We woke up around 5 this morning - which was kind of shitty, since I had to get up at 7 to go to work. Peter could sleep again ... and I envied him that!

I'm at work now - VERY tired and all I long for is going home to Peter again. It's so precious to me, that he is there. I can't wait until he moves here for good. Next month or in february his kitchen will be fixed, and then I hope time will run fast!

I hope you all had a very joyfull christmas .. even you I don't even really know, but who is sneak-reading my diary

Have fun all
Lykke

[Lykke]

Hm well, it wasn't my parents food, but some chicken salat I ate in the evening. I had a doctor here yesterday, since I had to leave work around 14.00. I have never felt so sick before. My head was totaly heavy and I could hardly look out of my eyes because of Dizzyness. I felt my heart was beating out of my chest and I could feel I had small body shocks. I could not move at all and I felt I was inbetween a state of awareness and asleep. I called the doctor and asked for advice since I have never felt this way, and even though I told them it wasnt necessary for them to come, they didnt want to take that chance.The doctor gave me a short against the huge nausea I had and told me to stay in bed untill my tummy-cramps and the dizzyness disappears. That can take 2-3 days - and if it dont get better, I have to see a doctor again. I'm just up now to tjeck my work e-mail .. and who is addicted ?

Tummy still hurts but nausea is luckily gone. I'm still dizzy though. Hope it's over New Years eve.

[Lykke]

New Year is over .. so is christmas. It went nice, quietly with a very delicious diner and champagne. Peter wish it could be New Year more often because of the good food and especially the champagne I guess - but as I said; Every day actually starts a New Year! It depends on how you look at things. And things used to be so simple when I was younger, but now - maybe because I'm getting older - everything seems so complicated.

It is very silent. Peter just left. I kissed him in his red car - trying to keep the tears away not to spoil the moment too much (I'm not good at keeping feelings down)...He wispered "I love you" I wispered back "I love you, drive safe" - I smiled at him when I went out the car without a word, looking in his eyes looking at me - I waved at him in the door, still trying to smile and he send me finger kisses and I could see how he forced himself to hit the speader and get going .. I saw him turning his head just one last moment where I fastly waved and hurried inside while feeling the tears pressing harder. And now it's just so quiet again. And I already miss him terribly!

We won't see each other again untill 17 days. 17 long fucking days. I can't tell how much I wish this pain and waiting and feeling of being stucked in a moment with no beginning and no end, stops. Hopefully it will this summer - or that is the plan for now.

I don't even know why I'm writing here. Maybe because I just need to let it out. It's easier to write it down than to think about it.

One last thing. I need a piano. Peter says we are getting me a keyboard as a start and before we buy a house. But it should still be big enough for me to play on BUT also it would have the possibility to add headphones (which is a good idea, since I havent played for quite some years). I miss playing Satie and Debusy ... the piano has been my best friend since I was 4 years old. I spend ours and ours on it - every single evening all my childhood. I sold my piano some years ago - mostly because the ex thought it was filling too much - and because I did not find the joy moments to play on it. If I did I would get angry eyes and being told how annoying it was, so I just dropped it. I know Peter undestands how it is - he always wanted to learn to play because music means so much to him. I hope he learns to play the guitar soon Then maybe we can even play together

Oh and EU ? Still going strong here!

[Lykke]

What are we if we are not here?
All you strugglers who log in and out all day long?
We have our favorite sites we visit all the time.
We sneak into others domains and absorb their lifes
into ours for different reasons.

Maybe our own lifes are not exciting enough.
Maybe we need compfort, maybe we are self destructive?
Maybe we need fame, maybe we need peace in mind?
Maybe the reason is simple?
Maybe we are just curious?

Who are you, I do not know - but yet I know you
because I read your diary secretly, about your life and your thoughts?
Who am I, whom you might think you know because you secretly
sneak in and do the same?

Who are we, who needs the satisfactory shot to be calm
and feel relaxed because now we are updated about things
we don't really need or incidents we might have been a part off,
but in which we do no longer have the rights to claim?
Things which might hunt our unconscious minds and make us addicts
and junkies of filling our every day lifes with other peoples lifes, words,
feelings, love, hate, frustrations, pain, illness and experiences?

Who are they who jumps panicly around the online world all the day
for fun, love, sex, friends, pets, news, videos, chats,
games, excitement and heart beating information?
Stucked in a world they know is not real but only a scratch on the
surface - stucked in the past and the wishes to go back and
without the strenght to move on and face the fact,
that what was, was - and will never be again!

Who is really the master and who is the slave?
Are you really able to live your OWN life, to wake up in the morning
and go through a whole day, sucking in Real Life air
and your Real Life surroundings
without turning on the pc
- without the every day update online-supplementation?
Try, and you will realize, who you really are!

I sadly have to admit, I'm definitely the slave!

[Lykke]

I don't really know what to think or say about this!

Speachless and filled with wonders!

But most important is it, that the little girl have quality in life and is happy to the extent she is able to. And no other than her parents know what she feels and how she feels.

Again it reminds me how lucky we are. How lucky I am and my kids - and how vulnerable our lifes are and our relations to our love ones. Since we never know what will happen.

I send them my best wishes!

[Lykke]

Life is like a roller coaster.
When it goes up - you forget to enjoy but close your eyes because you are afraid of what is coming
When it goes down you just wanna jump off and puke ...

[Lykke]

... and more cleaning...

A year and a half ago I cleaned up my life. I left my husband and I never felt more happy. I wrote in this diary august 2005 that I cleaned up not only in my house, life but also mentally.

I found out recently that I didn't yet get rid of some nasty ghosts in my life. Some evil green once who appears when I at least expect them to. Everytime they scare the shit out of me.

I thought about it a lot lately - actually the last 6 months - but I ran into a wall the other day and that made me turn. I found my old adoption papers, which I never read, some months ago and that's how I found out, why I have so many ghosts. I thought there were gone YEARS ago. I mean, they have been hidden for so many years - why could they not just stay away? Is it fair, I thought, that old ugly ghosts like that are ruining my life? Ghosts, SO old - more than 35 years - should destroy my future, dreams and wishes?

I'm sure we all have ghosts haunting us. For some it's just too difficult to get rid of them. No matter how many spells you cast on them - they will just show even more evil faces. Sometimes you might even confuse them with your own face, and that's when it's getting really ugly.

So. I took a decision today, to kill the ghosts one time for all. It's not something I can do over night - but I will throw my tongue at them everytime they show (and my tongue can be SO ugly ). I mean, no one else can kill them. It's something I have to do - though I know that sometimes I might need a little help. Like it could be nice if people said: Hmm, are you seeing a ghost again? or ... Anything hunting atm? or ... You can borrow MY tongue if you need ....

It's about looking at your feet. Do you see the world turning around you? You can stay on your feet on the ground while life and opportunities are passing by or you can move your feet and turn with it and enjoy your life and the people you wish to spend it with. It might not be easy, but at least you will feel you live.

It's also about trusting the people you love and believe in their intentions with you. And most of all it's also about daring to love, because love is not easy. As soon as you dare giving away and love - the chance of loosing will appear. But if you want to live and turn with the world, that is a chance you have to take.

I'm gonna clean up again. And I will try and change my ghosts into butterflies. They can fly away whenever I wave with the hand - and I will just look at them and smile.

I just need patience and understanding from my surroundings. Sometimes I might have forgotten a ghost - but I promise I will smash it in it's face with a beton-truck whenever I see one

[Lykke]

First off, thank you all of you who pm'ed me lately etc. - for your concern and best wishes. It's very precious to me

After many years, I found their limited edition album (the dutch collection, but as long as they didn't translated the songs ). I absolutely love their songs. So many of their song-lyrics go deep into my heart, somehow. I was a teen when I heard them first time .. over and over again. Back then everything you did and felt was put into the songs you were hearing. The music was very important to me (still is). I wish it was possible to see them live one day

Here is another song from Alan Parsons Project, very well put and current very up-to-date (to me) song ...


No Answers Only Questions by Alan Parsons Project

Some of us laugh,
Some of us cry,
Some of us lay back - watch the world go by.
Some of us fear,
Some of us hate,
Some of us won't wake up 'till it's too late!

The distance between us is a mystery to us all,
The difference between us is so small!

There are no answers, only questions
And we're all strangers to the truth
But in my mind's eye
I have found the reason why
And I carry the burden of the proof.

Why do we fight?
Why do we fall?
Why do we stand there - backs against the wall?
Why don't we change?
Why don't we try?
Why don't we turn 'round, help the other guy?

The distance between us is a mystery to us all,
The difference between us is so small!

There are no answers, only questions
And we're all strangers to the truth
But in my mind's eye
I have found the reason why
And I carry the b