Christmas jokes!!!

[Thor]

Seeing that we are approaching the festive season, let's hear your Christmas funny stories, jokes or cartoons. May be personal once or heard of.
Here is one to start with…






Click to enlarge

[Kia Kelly]

Why doesn't Santa have any children ?

Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Thor]

Barbie's Christmas List! )

Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245


Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1996

Dear Santa:

Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had
better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998:


Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.
How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to
cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.

6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet,
a public relations senior account exec!

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.
If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.

It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

[Thor]

Read it and post one if you have.....

[Thor]

Pearly Gates

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the

Pearly Gates.

“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each

possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He

flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

“You may pass through the Pearly Hates,” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, “They’re bells”. Saint Peter said, “You may

pass through the Pearly Gates.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and

finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just

what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”