class assignment

[chachi1107]

Ok i was in class while working on my degree in software engineer and one of the things i had to do was write in mla format some thing about my idea of a perfect date and here is how it went a little some thing like this

Charles Younger
Mrs DeFranco
Freshmon Sominor
Sept. 23 2011

My Perfect Date

My perfect date would be one that could never be forgotten, and it went alittle something like this. I was 21 years old i was at a party and i seen her for the very fisrt time and i knew then she was the one.I walked up to her up to her welcomed her to my home introduced my self and asked he if i could get her a drink.She said her name was Michelle and yes she wanted a Smirnoff Black.I had many people in my house at the time but right then it was all about her.We talked and listened to music danced. I went got us a few more drinks through out the night and we both just had a good time .well the sun was coming up and most have already gone so i offered to get her home safely she accepted and that was the end of that night but not of michelle and I We seen alot more of each other.I am still with that one that i am writing about we have 3 kids joshua 8 jamya 7 and tobias"tj" 4 and i am still just as happy as the day of that first date
ok now how would you have graded this and i challenge you to post your idea of a or the perfect day that date you only get 24 hrs sky is the limit resource wise

[Magyar]

Ok i was in class while working on my degree in software engineer and one of the things i had to do was write in mla format some thing about my idea of a perfect date and here is how it went a little some thing like this

Charles Younger
Mrs DeFranco
Freshmon Sominor
Sept. 23 2011

My Perfect Date

My perfect date would be one that could never be forgotten, and it went alittle something like this. I was 21 years old i was at a party and i seen her for the very fisrt time and i knew then she was the one.I walked up to her up to her welcomed her to my home introduced my self and asked he if i could get her a drink.She said her name was Michelle and yes she wanted a Smirnoff Black.I had many people in my house at the time but right then it was all about her.We talked and listened to music danced. I went got us a few more drinks through out the night and we both just had a good time .well the sun was coming up and most have already gone so i offered to get her home safely she accepted and that was the end of that night but not of michelle and I We seen alot more of each other.I am still with that one that i am writing about we have 3 kids joshua 8 jamya 7 and tobias"tj" 4 and i am still just as happy as the day of that first date
ok now how would you have graded this and i challenge you to post your idea of a or the perfect day that date you only get 24 hrs sky is the limit resource wise

As an accredited English teacher (currently not teaching) in the California school system I first will say that this is not in MLA format. This isn't in any format I know of, although it looks somewhat like how I would imagine a military briefing looks. So based on that alone I'd give you an F. No offense, and nothing personal. You just havn't completed the assignment.

If I were grading your writing and command of language as well, I probably wouldn't have much positive to say. You grasp the concept of words fine, but your gift is not in writing them down. You may be a better speaker than a writer. This is OK, however your writing isnt grammatically correct, your sentence structure is not very good, and you havn't yet understood (or perhaps havn't been taught) the concepts of basic writing.

I assume you posted this looking for constructive feedback, so my suggestion is proofread, go over your grammatical rules, go over the rules on how to write an essay, but loosen the rules up a little bit since this is a casual paragraph (no thesis or massive introduction/conclusion is needed, but the concepts of them should still be present), and develop your story a little bit. Why is this a perfect date? What is so interesting about it? What's she like? What are you like? Is there a party going on? Is this really a date, or just an encounter?

The story needs some fleshing out.

Sorry for the negativity, but negativity is sometimes a helpful thing since it helps us learn more than "yay good job! " does.

For tips on how to write a basic funnel essay (the foundation of all writing both argumentative and otherwise) check this link out.

http://www.infobarrel.com/media/image/17905.gif

If you need further help proofreading and refining I've been known to lend a hand every once in a while. I don't write peoples papers for them, but I to try my best to teach them how to best write by using line style editing, and margin notes. I do not expect payment for these things when I offer them. I teach because its useful, not because its entrepreneurial.

[chachi1107]

that was not the final draft it was the point of what is said and what i picked to use i had unlimited resource of money or anyone i wanted and i chose what i di the point of this post was to say what is youre idea of a perfect date i was already told by the instructor i was getting an outstanding grade and yes here i dont tent to use mla format or proper grammer or punctuation
but in class is not the same i actually have very good grads i have a gpa of 3.8 but with you being an english teach i really do understand your point of view and meaning of your being blunt and to the point no hard feelings taken and i am glad you gave your honest opinion thank you

[Magyar]

No problem. Glad you didn't take it personally and I'm glad you're doing well in classes overall. Rough drafts being what they are, I see some good ideas here and an excellent set of talking points to develop a great story. The rest is up to you!